


Not Exactly Pinocchio

by turinguntested



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Android Zer0, Awkward First Times, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary Character, Other, Robot Kink, mostly cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 17:11:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6018007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turinguntested/pseuds/turinguntested
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Intense interpersonal bonding or certain death. This was truly a situation Gaige could only have encountered on Pandora.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Exactly Pinocchio

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha I have a midterm tomorrow, it's midnight, and I'm finishing up obnoxiously self indulgent porn about a video game. this, my first foray into the borderlands fandom and first contribution to the glorious body of art that is the robot kink tag, has been a lot of fun for me. I hope ya'll enjoy it. happy international fanworks day?

After the third time Gaige was woken up by pain in her extremities from the biting cold, she sat up with a huff. There didn’t seem to be much point in going to sleep again. Besides, she was starting to worry that she was going to end up with actual frostbite and lose toes or something. Maybe a walk would get some of her circulation back. She stepped delicately over a snoring Axton and hopped down from the bed of the truck. 

These days, she was no longer surprised to see Zer0 keeping watch at all hours of the night, seemingly unfazed by heat or cold or lack of sleep. This particular instance, however, was somewhat unsettling because it looked like they were elbow deep in their own chest cavity. 

“Um.” Gaige squinted to try and get a better look. Zer0 went stock still when she started talking, and their black suit blended into the night. “Are you ok? What exactly are you doing?” 

They remained silent for a long awkward moment, before eventually seeming to accept the situation. Their shoulders slumped forward.

“Repairs.” They said, withdrawing their hand and bracing it against the rock behind them. Their body armor was stripped off from the elbow down, revealing a complex apparatus of metal and silicon. The innumerable moving parts glinted dully in the starlight. The open zipper on their side appeared to be leaking tendrils of smoke. 

“Okay, well, do you want some help? Being a cyborg is something I have a bit of experience with, you know.” Gaige knelt down beside them. She wouldn’t be shocked if this entire experience turned out to be a weird dream, but she was trying her best to roll with the punches.

“You are projecting/Though you are meat and metal/I'm certainly not.” 

“You’re… You’re an android, huh. That’s what you’re saying. Um. Cool. I might still be able to help, I spend a lot of time working on Deathtrap, you know--”

“Meat or otherwise/Your next science fair project/Won’t be my body.” Their ungloved hand curled around her wrist, too fast to evade even though the pained stiffness in their movement was apparent. “You should realize/To androids, engineers’ hands/Mean vivisection.” 

The metal of their fingers was uncomfortably cold on the strip of bare skin between her glove and her sleeve. Zer0 was sat upright and leaning towards her now, close enough that her breath fogged their faceplate. It was a vaguely disconcerting that there might not be a face under that faceplate. 

That was a train of thought for another time, though. The main problem now was that one of her (very few) friends was apparently unconvinced she wouldn’t try to destroy them with no provocation. The secondary problem was that if Zer0 decided she was a threat right now, there was no way she was going to be able to launch Deathtrap before they had their sword in her neck.

Intense interpersonal bonding or certain death. This was truly a situation she could only have encountered on Pandora. 

“Meat or metal or whatever, Zer0, you’re a member of the team. We need you alive and whole. And all first aid is easier when you can see what you’re doing, and when the injury isn’t attached to you. I just want to help.” Gaige said, looking where she had previously assumed their eyes would be and trying to make her tone as earnest as possible. 

They released her wrist and, after another long moment of contemplation, nudged the toolkit they had been using towards her. They watched intently as she pushed their unbuckled chest plate out of the way and opened the zipper on their side a little further. Gaige investigated the damage; buckled plating on the front of their ribcage, which had pulled some wires out of their ports. Others were burnt out entirely. 

Gaige was already losing sensation in her fingers, but she wasn’t about to insist they try to kick Salvador out of the cab of the car. Besides, it was a little warmer inside Zer0’s body, especially toward the left side of their chest where she assumed their power source was. When she glanced up to their face again, they were looking pointedly away. There was tension in their shoulders- their body language reminded her of going to the doctor when she was younger and terrified of needles. 

“This doesn’t- I mean- I’m not hurting you, am I?” She moved to rest one of her hands on their shoulder and aborted the gesture midway, leaving it hovering awkwardly in the air. Her fingertips were stained with soot from what she was suddenly thinking of as her friend’s organs.

“No, I do feel pain/But any of my senses/Can be turned off.” They assured her. “It’s the idea/Far more than the sensation/That I don’t enjoy.” 

Vivisection, Gaige thought. Are they really wrong? Certainly all the computers she had gutted in high school were inanimate, but when AIs got more sophisticated, she supposed she wasn’t entirely sure where to draw the line. She tried to dismiss the thought. If she looked too closely at moral issues in her line of work she would never get anything done. 

It took about forty-five minutes for Gaige to finish the repairs. Zer0 rolled their shoulders and stretched.

“…Thank you.” They said.

Gaige zipped their suit back up and then, hesitantly, took their hand in hers. Their digits were long and elegant. The metal skeleton was interwoven with a tangle of wires and sensors, giving an impression of muscles and tendons. It reminded her somewhat of an anatomy diagram. 

“You are- really beautiful.” She said impulsively. “I mean, not exactly the standard, but…”

“Foreign, but somehow/Deeply intriguing as well/I know the feeling.” They tilted their head to the side slightly as their other hand came up to brush her cheek and probed under her jaw with two fingers to find her pulse. 

Gaige felt like she should probably be more concerned about having the assassin literally at her throat. But she had never had the healthiest self-preservation instincts, and it didn’t seem like they were trying to be threatening. 

“Well, sorry bro, but you’re not going to be exploring the inside of my chest cavity anytime soon.” She said, and they chuckled.

“Well, I suppose that/Limit is reasonable/I accept your terms.” They leaned back and started to put their gloves back on. 

Gaige sort of expected something to change, after that night. But the assassin was as aloof as they ever were, and the only thing that seemed to change was how much Gaige thought about it. And maybe she started watching them in the field more, sacrificing a melee kill to Deathtrap here and there in favor of observing them turn hordes of enemies into bloody chunks with their sword, elegant as a dancer.

But she didn’t really notice anything different until much later, when the group of vault hunters was four hours into fighting their way through a camp. They were tired, hurting, and already basically thigh-deep in corpses. Gaige was stirring up some anarchy with a shotgun and not paying enough attention to her surroundings. She got caught in a grenade blast and knocked hard against the wall. When she came to, her ears were ringing and she couldn’t move her left leg without a blinding amount of pain. She realized, slowly, that she was propped up against the wall outside the camp gate. In the distance, she could still hear gunfire. Zer0 was leaning over her.

“I don’t know what to do.” Zer0 said. Their words were rushed and- shockingly- not in haiku form. Gaige huffed a laugh. She was a little flattered. She was also in a lot of pain.

“Look, I don’t really know what you’re supposed to do either, beyond straighten out the bone, and then keep it still with a splint. Beyond that I guess we’re just going to have to improvise.” She told them. Zer0 nodded brusquely. 

Once they had collected a few branches they deemed satisfactory for a splint, they set the bone. They didn’t give Gaige any warning, and she couldn’t help but cry out at the sudden agony.

“You will be alright.” They said, glancing worriedly up to her face but continuing to tie the splint on as rapidly as possible. “I think this is functional/We should be going.” Zer0 picked her up easily, and took off across the sand towards the fast travel station. They didn’t have any body heat, of course, and weren’t breathing. But if Gaige rested her ear on their chest she could hear the soft whirr of their joints moving. 

They set her down on the table at Zed’s and vanished. Later, she stumbled back to headquarters by herself and fell immediately asleep despite the fact it was only midafternoon. She was still a little loopy on anesthesia.

It was probably pure coincidence that she woke up to see them later in the evening, since she was sure they had been completely silent when they came in. 

“I see you.” Gaige mumbled at the silhouette by her window. “What are you doing?”

Zer0 walked over to the bed and folded the blanket off of her leg. Apart from a quickly healing pink mark where Zed had made an incision, it was none the worse for wear. Zer0’s gloved hand hovered a few inches above her skin.

“It’s okay.” Gaige said, wiggling her toes to demonstrate. They took that as permission to brush their fingers over the scar, and then down to her ankle.

“You are so deadly/And yet so soft and fragile/A contradiction.”

“Believe me, if I could be a robot superhero like you instead, I absolutely would be. Not everyone has that option.”

Zer0 laughed.

“What?” Gaige narrowed her eyes at them.

“Just, superhero/Does not seem the most apt word/To describe me with.”

“Well, you’re definitely not the supervillain because that’s Jack, so you’re going to have to learn to live with it.” She shrugged and burrowed a little deeper under the blankets. “Hero and villain are the only two options in my stories. I never paid very close attention in English class. I can do without nuance.”

A frowning emoticon flashed across their helmet and Gaige giggled. Silence fell for a few moments after that. The whole scenario felt like a dream to Gaige- she was still practically asleep, and the robot assassin sneaking into her bedroom at night like goddamn Dracula would’ve been surreal at the best of times. Maybe that was what made her bold. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Zer0 tilted their head to the side but didn’t respond. Gaige took this as an invitation to forge ahead. 

“What were you made for? And where, by who?” She bit her lip, trying to put the huge number of things she had been wondering about since that night into words. “It’s just, you’re so much more sophisticated than anything I’ve ever seen or even heard of. It seems so unrealistic that you were built and then just left to your own devices. But it also seems impossible that you have some secret allegiance and they’ve had you shooting skags on Pandora for months.”

“I don’t remember/” They told her coolly, removing their hand from her leg. “But most can’t recall their birth/And still find purpose. I killed for money/Then for the challenge, and now/To save a planet. I don’t know human/Morals, emotions, motives/Yours or my builder’s.” They pointedly looked out the window instead of at her, and they sounded exasperated. Gaige was a little taken aback- that had been the most words she had heard Zer0 say at once by a huge margin. After a pause they continued, in a very decisive tone. 

“My creator’s life/Is not mine. I do not care/To know their wishes.” They were looking resolutely over her head and out the window. Gaige sighed.

“I was being an asshole there, wasn’t I. I’m sorry.” She said. Zer0 shot her a confused glance. She swung her legs off the bed and sat up. 

“Look, I get it. I get wanting to be your own person. And I’m sure it’s awful to have everyone treating you like an inanimate object and/or someone else’s property.” She explained. “So it was shitty of me to do that, and I’m sorry.”

“Last week, I saw you/Immolate six men alive/You’re sorry for this?”

“Ah, you know that’s different. We’re friends.” She raised an eyebrow at them. “You’re telling me you don’t act differently around your friends? You snuck into my room to make sure my minor injury was healing properly. You left a fight today to give me first aid and bring me to a medic. So forgive me if I care way more about your feelings than any random bandit’s life.”

“Thank you, by the way. More important questions, now.” Gaige continued, turning to face them. “Can I give you a hug?”

“Uh.” Zer0 said. “I suppose.” 

Before she could second-guess herself, she scooted closer and wrapped her arms around their waist. It felt basically like one would expect hugging a hunk of metal to. The edges of their armor plates dug into her chest. Nonetheless, she smiled when they placed one of their palms very lightly on her shoulder blade and leaned into her.

“I haven’t often/” They hesitated with a sigh. “Fuck it. This is the closest I’ve ever been to a human being.” Another thoughtful pause. “While not actively trying to kill them, at least.” 

Even after abandoning the haiku pattern, they still didn’t seem to be able to express what they wanted to. Their other hand hovered over Gaige’s bicep. 

“Calm down.” She said. “It’s pretty difficult to hug someone wrong. If you want to touch me, you can.” 

Their fingertips brushed her flesh arm, but they immediately pulled away to inspect their palm. 

“Sorry. They’re dirty.” Zer0 mumbled, hurriedly stripping off their gloves. Gaige couldn’t help but giggle at the sheer absurdity of the situation as cool fingertips brushed through her hair. Their other hand traced her spine, lingering over each vertebra. She shivered when they brushed the strip of bare skin between her shirt and her waistband. Zer0 yanked their hand away as if she had burned them.

“What happened?” They asked, halfway between worried and curious. Gaige was idly fascinated by how expressive and human their voice was. 

“Oh, uh, nothing. Your hands are just cold.” 

“Then it’s alright if I..?” Their fingertips were on her waist again.

“Yeah.” Gaige agreed easily. But when their hand slipped under her shirt to start taking inventory of her ribs, she couldn’t help but startle. “It’s fine!” She reassured before they asked again, hoping her sudden blush was hidden in the dark. 

Their palm and the pads of their fingers were some kind of silicon, a little softer than the metal parts, albeit still a poor facsimile for skin. But even if they had been solid steel, Gaige had a feeling it wouldn’t change much. This would still be the most care anyone had ever put into touching her, and she would probably still be enjoying it. 

She was definitely bright red right up to the tips of her ears by the time they pushed her sleeve off of her shoulder to get a closer look at the interface of her metal arm. But what could she say? Was it weirder to tell your robot friend they vaguely turned you on, or to just continue being turned on in secret? Gaige didn’t know. She hadn’t ended up on Pandora because of her incredible social skills, after all. 

In the end, the two of them started speaking simultaneously.

“I’m sorry if I’m making this weird, but this kind of touch is usually sexual for humans.” Gaige said.

“I don’t know if this is acceptable, but can I take your clothes off?” Zer0 said. 

The following silence was absolute- quiet enough for Gaige to hear a fan kick on in Zer0’s abdomen. She had a weird feeling that was their version of blushing. 

“Yeah.” Gaige said, fumbling desperately for words that seemed to have fled her mind entirely. “Yeah you can. If you want.”

“This is sexual for you.” Zer0 said, more a statement than a question. She couldn’t read their tone. 

“I’m so sorry.” Gaige answered. “It’s been a long time, forever really, since another person touched me like that, and you are, you are just so cool and I’m pretty sure anyone could guess that I have kind of a… thing for robotics, and-”

She was interrupted by Zer0’s thumb tracing over her lower lip. A heart emoji flashed across their visor, and although the red glare in the dark room made her squint she also couldn’t help smiling dumbly back them. 

“It… wouldn’t be sexual for me. I don’t have that capability. But I am curious, and if you would find it pleasurable…” They trailed off. 

“Yes.” Gaige answered. “I mean. I would find it-” She cut herself off and smashed her face into their chest plate with a groan. “This is really awkward.” 

They grabbed her shoulder and peeled her off of them. Although they were clearly being careful, she was about as capable of breaking their grip as she was of snapping her rifle in half. She tried to resist for a second and winced- no amount of care was going to make metal less bruising.

“I didn’t mean to/Overstep my boundaries-” Zer0 started.

“Okay, no.” Gaige said, grabbing the hem of her shirt and pulling it over her head. “Turn the haiku subroutine back off and get over here.” She took their hand off of her shoulder, Zer0 being apparently too confused to resist, and rested it on her hip. They had been touching her long enough that their fingers weren’t cold anymore. 

“Hey, tell me. What can you feel?” She asked, wrapping her arms loosely around their shoulders.

“You’re warm, and soft. I can feel your heartbeat.” They said, quietly. Their hand was moving again, lightly enough that it tickled. Zer0 fiddled with the clasp of her bra, eventually leaning in to peer at it over her shoulder. It took two hands, but they managed to get it off. Gaige was pretty sure the wire of the clasp was bent irrevocably, but she couldn’t bring herself to care too much.

It didn’t take long for Gaige to get uncomfortable with the rapt way they stared at her bare chest, and she quickly decided to climb into their lap instead. Before she could manage it, Zer0 grabbed her shoulders and pressed her gently back until she was lying on the bed. Gaige squirmed against their hold halfheartedly. They were so much bigger than her, and so effortlessly strong. 

“I think I can feel everything that you could. But there’s no way of knowing, really.” Zer0 said, one hand back in her hair and gently massaging her scalp in a way that made her hum with pleasure. 

“Can you take more of your suit off?” Gaige asked hopefully.

“Of course I could take it off, but you should remember I’m not… particularly humanoid.” Zer0 said. “A lot of my torso only has rudimentary pressure sensors, even.”

“Please do it.” Gaige said, already reaching for the zipper on their side. Zer0 shrugged and sat up, stripping their armor and then their shirt off gracefully. Their fingers hovered over the clasp at the collar of their helmet for a moment before falling away.

“Not the helmet.” They said with an air of finality.

“That’s fine.” Gaige said, already thoroughly distracted. She had seen part of their torso before, sure, but it had been damaged and in the dark. It hadn’t prepared her for how absolutely breathtaking they were. She trailed her fingers reverently over the metal plating of their chest, which was almost uncomfortably hot, and then the sleek silicon musculature of their abdomen. They fidgeted when she reached their belt, and she was momentarily preoccupied by the plates along their spine readjusting to the movement with a series of soft clicks. 

“I don’t know what you’re expecting to find, there.” They said.

“I don’t either. Doesn’t really matter, though.” Gaige interrupted. “You’re incredible. You’re breathtaking. I can’t believe it took me this long to get your clothes off.” The fan in their stomach turned on again, and their fingers toyed nervously with the sheets. As much as she wanted to see the rest of them, she could tell they were uncomfortable and decided to let the issue rest. 

“I think it’s your turn, now.” Gaige continued, raising an eyebrow at them. Most of her self-consciousness had been eclipsed by sheer scientific curiosity, at this point.. She lifted her hips to help them peel off her skirt her skirt, and blushed a little more fiercely as Zer0 spread her thighs. Unfortunately, after that they just… stared at her.

“Um.” Gaige began, curling her toes against the unyielding armor on their calf.

“I have no idea what I’m doing.” Zer0 admitted quietly. Gaige was pretty sure she would rather melt through the mattress and cease to exist than continue experiencing this level of embarrassment. 

They shifted forward, taking her hand delicately in theirs and pressing it between her thighs. 

“Please.” Zer0 said. “Show me.” The needy edge to their voice and the rapt and expectant way they leaned in to watch made her breath catch. They laid their other hand over her heart. 

Gaige made eye contact with her reflection in Zer0’s faceplate, and curled two fingers inside herself. She could feel Zer0’s hand twitch slightly while they watched, as if they were studiously committing her movements to memory. The thought made her smile helplessly, but it quickly turned to a gasp as their thumb brushed across her nipple. Their gaze immediately flicked up to her face, and they repeated the movement, pinching it lightly between thumb and forefinger this time. 

“Interesting.” They said in response to her breathy whimper. “Anywhere else?” 

Gaige considered responding, but it trailed off into a moan when their other hand prodded her clit. They gently brushed the hand she was using to finger herself away and slipped their own index finger into her instead. The pronounced and still jarringly cooler than body temperature ridges of their knuckles created delicious friction. Gaige found herself involuntarily rolling her hips into their touch.

“You’re so- so hot.” Zer0 said, sounding awed. “And so soft inside. So alive.” They curled their fingers, stroking her inner walls. The movements made quiet wet sounds that went straight to the building heat in Gaige’s stomach. Zer0 was intently focused on their task- she recognized their pose as the one she’d seen countless times when they were lining up a shot down the scope of their rifle. 

After that, she couldn’t help but think about the hand sliding gently up her ribcage wielding a katana, the ruthless grace of body above her appearing from nowhere like the angel of death. Their fingers crooked forward at exactly the right angle and Gaige bucked off of the bed. Zer0’s free hand came down on her stomach and slammed her back down onto the mattress. They didn’t seem to be able to tear their attention away from trying to replicate the thrust that had gotten such a reaction out of her. 

Nonetheless, when Gaige clutched the forearm that was holding her down, they hesitated a split second.

“Okay?” They asked, and Gaige thought it really shouldn’t be arousing that their tone was the same rough, gleeful tone they used when delivering haikus about corpses. Similarly, she was almost certain that the vague feeling they were touching her the way they touched their guns should be a major buzzkill. None of this changed the fact that she had to close her eyes because the fascinated way they cocked their head to the side was turning her on so much she felt lightheaded. 

“Yeah.” Gaige breathed. “I’m great. Don’t stop.” They found the right spot again and rubbed it harder, trying to find the ideal rhythm between the movements inside her and their thumb rubbing her clit. Their other hand started wandering again, cupping her breast and dragging the rough pads of their palms over her nipples. At this point, they were sensitive enough that it bordered on painful, but nevertheless Gaige whimpered again and pressed up into their hands. 

When she came, she had to reach down to drag their hand away from her oversensitive flesh. She watched, dazed, as they brought their damp fingers up to their faceplate to examine more closely. 

Perhaps the reason she was most annoyed about the events that followed is because Zer0 very clearly hadn’t been leaving. Their clean hand was reaching for her cheek when the door slammed open and they froze. 

“I swear to god, Gaige, whatever you’re doing in here needs to stop. We’ve been back for like twenty minutes and I can’t take the noises.” Axton glared at her, but his expression quickly turned to pure shock.

“Holy shit. Zer0?” He said, speaking to the space where Zer0 had been before they had vanished out the window. 

Gaige sat up, pulling the sheet over her lap as an afterthought.

“Man, what the fuck.” She said. “I know we’re on Pandora, but I thought you were raised somewhere civilized enough that you’d know how to knock on a friggin door.” She made an exasperated gesture with her hands and then looked in the direction Zer0 had disappeared. “They didn’t even take their goddamn clothes, Axton.”

“Gaige, what are they?” Axton asked , glancing her way briefly before making a disgusted noise and staring resolutely out the window again. “You know, hold that thought. If you could put some clothes on before we discuss alien anatomy that would be awesome.” He paused and rubbed the back of his neck. “Christ. Actually, maybe I don’t want to know the things you know about alien anatomy.” 

“Well, it doesn’t matter what you want to know because, frankly, what they are is none of your goddamn business.” Gaige snapped, crossing her arms. 

“You know what? You’re right.” Axton said. “You are so right. I’m going to try and forget any of this ever happened, and also try to avoid speculating on what is in Zer0’s pants, because boy do I not want to know. Ugh.” He shook his head and turned around, very carefully avoiding making eye contact with Gaige.

“Ugh.” He repeated quietly as he closed the door behind him.

Gaige considered getting up, but she was well aware that she wasn’t going to be able to find Zer0 unless they wanted to be found. She was also tired, annoyed and still sore from her injury, so she decided that if they had wanted to handle things like a normal adult they wouldn’t have jumped out the window. Then she rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning the parts of their suit that had been discarded by her workbench were gone. Gaige rolled her eyes exasperatedly when she noticed, but before she left she (rather self-consciously) wrote out a note and placed it where their body armor used to be. It read;

‘Axton is the only one who knows anything, and he’s convinced you’re an alien. Everything’s fine, nothing needs to change, and you MAY have overreacted a little. Just so you know. 

~ Gaige’

It wasn’t unusual for Zer0- or any of them really- to occasionally vanish on some business of their own. When Gaige announced that Zer0 wouldn’t be joining them on that day’s mission, Axton fidgeted awkwardly and Maya looked a little suspicious, but nobody insisted she elaborate. 

Their mission destination turned out to be an empty camp, though- or rather, a camp full of nothing but corpses. Maya led the group, and it was apparent from the set of her shoulders that she was on edge. Kreig, Salvador, and Axton let their guard down quickly and started stripping the bodies for loot, but Salvador quickly got bored of the lack of violence and fell behind. 

Eventually, even Maya admitted the base was as destroyed as it seemed, and they picked up the echoes they needed and headed back to sanctuary. She stayed vigilant for snipers on the rocky outcroppings above them the whole way back to the car, though. Gaige did too, although probably for very different reasons. 

Much later that night, Gaige sat down at her workbench, smirking at the din downstairs. By the sound of things, Sal and Axton were on the verge of a drunken fistfight, and Maya was laughing at them. Tannis had been getting progressively more enraged over the half an hour since they had gotten home, and judging by the current lack of screaming she had since given up and left for the night. 

Gaige was then distracted by her note, which was still on her workbench where she had left it. Except for the fact that she could’ve sworn that she had left it text side up that morning and now it was text side down. Gaige stared at the paper suspiciously for a few more moments, and then shook her head and decided to ignore it. 

“You’re being a child.” She said to the empty room, just in case. 

After a full week of chasing leads halfway across Pandora to find nothing but heaps of corpses and finished jobs, everyone was going a little stir crazy. Vault hunters were not known for their calmness and stability, after all. 

“What’s the point?” Sal asked when Gaige asked him if he wanted to come along on a job for Hammerlock. He was sitting at corner stool at Moxxxi’s, cleaning his fingernails with a rusty knife. When Gaige had come in, he had been carving patterns into the bar top with it. Moxxxi glaring him down while thumbing the handle of her pistol got him to stop pretty quickly, though. 

“You feel free to go out on another goddamn wild goose chase, kid.” Sal continued with a heavy sigh. “I’m going to stay here. Life on the straight and narrow is less boring when you’re drunk.” 

Gaige scowled and fought the urge to smack the weapon out of his hand. 

She had plenty of time to meditate on how annoyed she was on the drive. The nest of bullymongs she was supposed to be exterminating was irritatingly far away. To be entirely honest; she probably wouldn’t have taken the job under normal circumstances. 

But here she was, and for the sake of getting the adrenaline rush she had been sorely missing the past week she climbed out of the car and started picking the bullymongs off with her pistol instead. 

A charging adult managed to get in too close while she was reloading, and she adjusted her stance to absorb its momentum while she drew her hammer. But a split second before it hit her, it fell to the ground with a heavy thud. The back of its skull was entirely blown out. Gaige stared in shock at the corpse, which was twitching slightly and seeping blood rapidly into the snow. Then she looked up at the silent cliff face above.

“I was handling that!” She shouted at nothing. Another bullymong collapsed off of the nest pillar, suddenly headless. Gaige snarled, holstered her gun, and started stomping back to her car. She ignored the heavy footfalls of yet another bullymong galloping up behind her. Instead of the clean thud of another sniper kill, she heard a sword unsheathing and felt blood splatter the back of her neck. 

“Where are you going?” Zer0 asked from behind her, somewhat plaintively.

“Back to the team you abandoned.” Gaige snapped. 

“I have been trying to help/ I’m sorry I left.” 

“Well, your help has been driving me stir crazy and making everyone else insufferable.” Gaige said. “And sorry if I don’t immediately accept your apology, but my feelings are still a little sore about you taking off literally seconds after I came and then stealing all my jobs for a week.”

“As I’ve said before/I’m less than knowledgeable/About human convention.” She hears their footfalls drawing closer, and considers whether or not to deck them if they touch her. They don’t.

“So am I! So are all of us. But just like every other person in the world, you can run away from your problems or you can suck it up and try to work shit out.” She spun around, nonplussed by the sight of them barely three feet behind her, covered in bullymong blood and shifting their weight awkwardly. 

“Here’s the thing.” Gaige said. “You are apparently willing to follow the people you care about for hours into the goddamn tundra to make sure no bullymong lands a single meelee hit on them. And you’re telling me, that you’re ‘less than knowledgeable about human convention’ and therefore couldn’t possibly recognize that it wasn’t okay for you to vanish in the middle of the night without a single word to said people, who obviously also care about you? Come on.”

“I’m sorry.” Zer0 said.

“Come on, Zer0.” Gaige repeated, and wrapped her arms around their waist, barely hesitating before pressing her cheek into their bloody chest plate. “Come home.”


End file.
